the fear of being judged.

Two days ago I shared something very personal and immediately after I published the story, that same old fear of being judged started invading my soul and my mind. This afternoon I could barely breathe with anxiety and moved the story to unlisted.

Here’s what went through my head:

So this afternoon I couldn’t breathe and I realized it’s because I am ridiculously afraid of being judged. Of being wrong. Of doing wrong. Of missing opportunities just because I decided to write about the things I’m passionate about: my journey. my life, my thoughts. Will all of these words here out in the world, where I so deeply hope to connect with other people, specially women, specially moms, daughters, sisters, wives, people, humans going through the same roller-coaster that is living in this planet, will all of these words, my very own words, harm me?

That’s why I always stop writing and go on huge breaks. I can’t take the disapproval. I can’t deal with the possibility of being found “not good enough” for whatever — like this imaginary job that I’m not even looking for.

You know what, to hell with that. If a company doesn’t want to hire me because I published that whenever I was in a party or ‘social occasion with alcohol’ I used to drink to get drunk and am now 20 (actually 22) days mindfully, purposefully, intentionally sober, then this company doesn’t deserve to have me work for them after all.

I won’t hide behind my smiling photos on social media. Neither will I keep everything I have to write in a journal shoved in my nightstand drawer. My life evolves when I read honest stories from other women. When I look at my photos on Instagram all I can think is:

Come read about my journey.

I love you.

You will be okay. I’ll be okay.

We are in this together. We’ve got this.

T.

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