Stop Wasting Time on Stupid Fights and Bad Communication

Delight in your relationship by avoiding these 2 common mistakes.

Carson: “I can’t believe we’re having this fight again.”

Jamie: “Seriously. All you have to do is talk to me respectfully and we wouldn’t be wasting yet another gorgeous Sunday afternoon fighting.”

Carson: “What? You’re blaming me for this? How on earth am I supposed to respond when you accuse me of disrespecting me? Do you think I’d even be here if I didn’t respect you?”

Jamie: “Funny you bring this up because sometimes I wonder if you even want to be here at all.”

Carson: “Oh my God, this conversation is going around in circles. I don’t even remember what we’re fighting about.”

Jamie: “Me neither.”

I’m a couples therapist who has been helping people save their marriages for thirty years. You mighe wonder how we spend the majority of our time in the office. It’s not uncovering unresolved attachment issues, or dealing with gender differences or infidelity. Of course, I help with these issues, but it’s not how I spend the majority of my time. It’s not even a close second.

The single most common topic we address is repairing and avoiding stupid fights.

I don’t use this word to insult anyone, because it has nothing to do with intelligence. The fights are dumb because we all become stupid when we’re upset. It has to do with the secretion of adrenaline and cortisol when we’re in a fight/flight reaction.

We need our frontal cortex to solve problems and when we don’t have access to it, we forget how to talk good. Our mouths say stuff that our brains didn’t get a chance to edit.

I’m sure you have excellent communication skills. You know how to compromise and problem-solve. You don’t have fights at work or with your friends or even your siblings now that you’re grown-ups.

That’s why it’s so frustrating to waste time on circular arguments that go on and on with no resolution.

Maybe that’s why you sometimes blame your partner for being the bad communicator…

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