Attraction Explained

Tingles all over your body, a surcharge of energy, an ecstatic feeling of being alive and a sudden awareness of everything around you. This is what we all experience when someone whom we are attracted to is standing before us. We instantly forget those emails we haven’t replied to, that problem at work or even our next meal. We are suddenly blinded by the person giving us their undivided attention. Everything feels like it’s going to work out just fine. At least for a while.

So what drives us to be attracted to certain people and not others? Why do we choose the partners that we do and why is it that some people are just not that into us? What is attraction after all? Here we go.

Attraction is ultimately a pull towards something we are interested in, a desire or even a craving. There are different levels of attraction and it’s important to note that stronger feelings of attraction are generally an indication of how far we believe we are from actually experiencing that relationship with a particular person or achieving that thing we desire. That is why an intense sense of attraction may look like desperation. As a side note understand that this is a double edged sword as it will ultimately repel the person only to reinforce that feeling of longing and desperation. How do we counter such feelings? How do we break this loop from hell? In order to do this one must analyse his or her desires, dissect their cravings and dig a little deeper. Awareness is key.

First of all we must distinguish ‘attraction’ from ‘appreciation’ or even ‘love’. They tend to be confused with one another yet each of these feelings are very distinct from each other. In fact you can feel an attraction towards someone yet not appreciate them for what they do or how they treat others. Same goes for love. The person you are attracted to does not necessarily mean they are the love of your life. It is important that you begin to consciously become aware of your feelings towards others and identify what aspects in them it is that you are attracted to. Once this is achieved it is a good idea to turn the lens inwards.

As we live in a world designed to reflect everything back at us, our attraction towards someone may be a great indicator to which aspects we desire to see or develop in ourselves. As children we are brought up to judge between wrong or right, good or bad, beautiful or ugly. Over time we subconsciously suppress and reject any aspects of ourselves that are deemed to be unwanted and automatically play the role of the ‘good person’ (or the ‘bad person’ depending which one of these got you the most love and support). Our internal guidance system may have gotten muted leading us to grow up with a misguided sense of self. However, attraction is one sensation that is immune to this conditioning. It over-rides our societal conditioning and points us towards that which we desire despite all our internal conflicts. How many times have you sought out someone or something which you just knew was not right for you? Attraction is so strong that it by-passes logic, it by-passes compatibility and it by-passes our vision for ourselves if left to roam unchecked. That is why you keep going for the man or woman who doesn’t reply to your texts, who keeps leaving you feeling worthless or who just can’t seem to remember your name. It’s time to take a good hard look in the mirror.

Identify those aspects in people you are attracted to. Are they physically athletic or lethargic and lazy? Are they charismatic and confident or reserved and mysterious? Are they self-absorbed or overly giving? It’s time to realise that these patterns are more about you and less about the person you are seeking. Take the time to process this and possibly nurture these aspects in yourself. What generally happens is that once you’ve developed a specific aspect in yourself the original attraction you once felt towards that person falls away and no longer haunts you. You may see them for who they really are. This will ultimately allow you to recognise if the relationship is the right one for you or not. You are no longer blinded by your desires or lack of self-worth. This is what healing feels like. As Aaron Doughty repeatedly says ‘become the protagonist of your own movie’. Stop passing on the starring role of your own life to another. Be the person you so desperately wish to experience in your life. Find purpose within yourself and allow the right people to gravitate towards you as you become more authentic, more magnetic and ultimately more attractive.

Moving towards that which you are attracted to is an act of self-love however it is also important to understand that attraction alone cannot sustain a deep and fulfilling partnership. If you struggle to visualise yourself with that person if all those aspects you are attracted to suddenly disappear then you might want to reconsider your commitment. However, if the relationship feels like an exhale, a relief, a moment of relaxation or a sense of coming home take a deep breath in and savour the moment as this is what life is all about.

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