Using MDMA for the First Time

and understanding the heavy wave of emotion that ecstasy really is

Ecstasy was a drug that made me feel heavy. A drug that somehow slithered its chemicals into my bloodstream opposite to what I had expected. Slowly resurrecting calm sensations that live inside my body. Everything about me is so introverted, and substances always seem to start with an internal trip, before the outside world shifts. If you’ve ever used a hallucinogenic you know what I mean. At least I hope you do! (Yes, I encourage others to partake in experimentation with drugs, as long as its done in moderation and the right circumstances. Set and setting are very important).

MDMA brought more awareness to my inner emotions rather than my inner workings, if that makes sense. So, when I reference my inner workings I really mean the parts of myself like organs, which seem to be the indicators of information absorbed from the outside world. These feelings from my body are what I normally rely on to shift and change my movement from moment to moment. This isn’t what happened for me with this particular drug.

However, even though I move after internally absorbing and discerning information, I will usually remain in one position for a few minutes and then move in a complete different way than I previously did getting into that position. Sometimes I even create patterns of movement that resonate with my body, and through countless experiments with drugs, I’ve reached the understanding that the body is actually the genetic makeup our soul has chosen to incarnate in.

As the MDMA gained momentum and started “kicking in”, as most people reference the effects of substances, I found that my emotions are what trigger my initial thoughts that turn into movement. So every time I sat up, stood, and walked around it was as though I was forced to understand why my deeper self wanted to express this way.

To clarify my surroundings, I was not out and about at a social event or party. I was with one other soul, completely relaxed, just chilling and getting to know one another. So we shared stories and as fate would have it, I did most of the talking. Something I’m used to when starting relations with others. I find that I always have so much to share. So much to teach and so much to learn.

So it was this sharing of information and viewpoints that with time immersed in the qualities of MDMA, pointed me back to the emotional need for sharing said information.

I went on about my family dynamic growing up and the situations I was put in through the years leading up to the present. Explaining how complicated and frustrating most of my experiences to self discovery have been. As this happened, a reflection through the eyes of my new friend had formed. In this reflection, it kept asking me to look at the underlying cause of why these experiences happened to be so frustrating and complicated for me.

I’ve always been a being — since I was a kid — that can see deep into the souls of other people. Understanding their weakness(es). Those places — that place — where they need a little extra love and support. So being that person for everyone, I normally don’t receive the same kind of love and attention that I give. Based on my own needs, reflected by own weaknesses. Too often I will hold that weight and energy of others instead of transmuting it.

Although, I am becoming more and more aware of this aspect of myself, and MDMA helped me realize that. Working on alchemizing these emotions and needs of others in a way that allows me to remain consistent with my own feelings is a current goal I am pursuing. Finding that its not as hard as my mind tries to convince me of. In fact, I feel that it is more so the energies of others that try to convince me what I’m doing is not needed. Ultimately there is a time and a place for things, and sometimes the current place and time do not support what the persons energy is showing me. They do not always want to be healed, even though thats what they need.

Some people are simply unaware of their own wounds and when you try to bring them to the light, your ideas and help are rejected. Again, this is evidence of my own personal experiences. I’ve learned that you cannot teach someone who is unwilling to be the student.

The worst part is when you reject or judge an idea someone has you are inevitably sucking their energy away from them. Causing the energy to leave their space, enter yours, and feed the story your ego continues to cling to. It’s important that we collectively work towards understanding this.

Even worse is when attention is not given to the single individual with the most powerful idea and the ideas and thoughts of others are randomly being spewed out in numbers like two, three, sometimes four people. Fragmentation happens, instantaneously turning a conscious conversation into a unconscious one.

In order to see this beauty you must give your conscious attention to an individual. Once you see the true essence of this human, you’ve reached deep enough to know their soul.

Now, we all have different definitions of beauty, and this is why you must give all of your attention to whom ever is speaking. Something about what they say and their overall expression will trigger a resonance within you. This resonance is when you’ll know your souls are meeting. The challenge is to let this connection continue. We have to actively put in work. Without the work to see the beauty and respect the power dynamics, we will not be able to access the frequency of real love. The power dynamics relate to being conscious of when it is your turn to speak and when it is the other persons turn to speak. If engaging consciously this should make itself known naturally, because too often we speak at the same time as the other, not being receptive, causing a fragmentation of energy as explained above.

While on this substance I felt extremely calm. It was really nice, but I experience calm energy as heavy energy. (It probably has to do with gravity). A couple weeks ago I did a higher self meditation and during this meditation the guiding voice kept referencing to letting a heavy energy wash over me. The purpose of this energy was to let it relax and ease any tension. It’s true. The feeling of solace, serenity, and calm is HEAVY.

So this is what MDMA felt like to me. A heavy calm sensation that brought awareness to my emotions and with conscious work to alchemize these emotions, allowed me to connect with the beauty of my friend. Further nurturing our connection to a place of love and gratitude. Because of this our energies were flowing between one another and our skins tones became more clear, vibrant, and sensational. Forming a soul connection that still required us to acknowledge the density of our bodies and this life walk.

MDMA triggered many memories. A phenomena that happens often when I indulge in such substances. Once I realized I was experiencing the heaviness of earth life, it brought me to a person and place. It’s quite chaotic really, the interconnected essence of the universe. This memory is from earlier this year. The time was in April, if my memory serves me right.

I went to meet an older man that I met on Grindr. An app for gay men to talk, meet, and do whatever it is men like to do with one another. Personally I was, and sometimes still use the app so I can form bonds with certain men that either comfort me or have lessons to teach me. With this particular man, we had a lot to teach one another.

This man lives in Ellsworth, Maine, off the beaten path of civilization. The county he lives in is Hancock county, again, if my memory serves me right. Once you get there, you take a right at the city hall and follow the road for about 5 minutes until you reach Juniper Ledge Rd. You take a right here and drive down a thin, extremely treacherous path carved out in the dirt from previous tire tracks. Halfway down you enter the forest but it’s not that long of a commute. At the end of the path his house sits, starting with a circular drive. To the right is a goat pen with both an open area and sheltered area. The house itself is made of wood and has a length of at least 300ft. On the opposite side of the house stand some tall trees and just beyond those the ocean sits next to jagged rocks.

As the trip started to peak I became very happy. Again this happiness started inside, emulating outward. Time was completely lost and I gazed heavily into the fire as he played electronic music. Willingly standing up to dance in the middle of the living room. While doing this and focusing on my own energy, he stood in the kitchen making dinner.

Because time was now enveloped into infinity, having no beginning or end, I do not remember if what happened next was before or after dinner.

Anyway, the man who must not be named wears a turban and is a practicing yogi. Has been for many years. Working alongside Osama Bin Laden. (Which of course sparked some intrigue inside of me). Yet he expressed that he knows him in a completely different frame of mind than most people. To my friend Osama was like a father figure, helping to keep him safe and out of harms way in such a tricky diplomatic, non-flexible environment. I believe this validates the essential concept I constantly showcase, unconditional love. Also validating unique measurements of this gift laid inherently in someone looked at as evil in the eyes of majority population. Its a beautiful thing to see the good in someone when so many others focus on the bad, because at the end of the day we are all the same, human. We each have good and bad qualities, and we also have our unique individuated strengths and weaknesses.

Extremely curious — naturally — I inquired further in depth about this practice, and graciously, he continued to explain. After persistent questioning and an extra wave of intrigue pouring out of my soul, through the eyes, he asked if I wanted to be shown how the process (practice) worked. Obviously I said yes, and at first he questioned me, not fully grasping why the subject was so enticing and stimulating for me. It simply was. At the time it was something new, even though I already knew what kundalini was and is, I had never heard of this specific yogic teaching.

Before he started, he explained the essence of the practice to me, and too those few people that I’ve physically spoken about this experience to, I explained it as entering a state of “Shenandra”. Which makes sense given the fact that the man is very sensitive and becomes overstimulated easily, loosing himself within consciousness instantaneously. We sat on the floor and did some breath work together.

In order to activate the kundalini you’ve got to breathe in slowly through your nose, contracting your rectum (root chakra) because this is where kundalini coils itself in the spine. you may breathe in, notice beauty, pause the breath, contract more, and continue to breathe. doing this three to four times. So, now that you’ve inhaled as much oxygen as possible you slowly start to exhale it in the same manner you inhaled it, in intervals, out the nose. (I am no expert, and certainly not a yogic teacher — at least not now — so take what i say and use your own intuitive discernment about it, if you choose to try this practice). During the breath work, you will feel the snakes rise and fall in sync with your breath, as they reach back down to the bottom, you’re supposed to release the last of the oxygen through the mouth, this little bit, and only at the very end.

My friend also spoke of three channels that the kundalini may rise through, the left, center, and right. He stressed that when you practice this technique, you must be somewhere calm, centered, and with no distractions, because if your attention and focus is taken away from yourself, you may be at risk of damaging something. (For instance, he shared a story where he became distracted and the energy went up his center channel, almost completely impairing his vision, for life). Now we definitely don’t want this happening to us.

Once my friend finished explaining how this worked, he went into the trance state. Using mudras to guide the ecstasy of his cells from taking over and causing a grand mal seizure. Watching him get into this state of being was undoubtedly one of the most timeless experiences I’ve had in this life. What made it an opulent experience was that he moved in ways deities are portrayed in paintings and photographs. One moment he looked calm, reserved, and benevolent, wielding some sort of “white magic”. The next moment he’d activate his reptilian brain, change his mudras, and roll his eyes into the back of his head. When they shown again he looked evil.

Naturally, I was amazed and personally felt that he was embodying Kali and Shiva energy. This memory is one I will not ever forget, and just so happened to be remembered through my first experience with MDMA. A truly therapeutic substance.

I feel that ecstasy opens the doors to deeper self reflection and potential ego death. Lending validity towards new ways of moving in the world once the substance comes down. Allowing the creative compass to continue blossoming each and every day. highly satisfied with my first experience on MDMA.

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