Do You Ever Really Move On?

I’m far from moving on, if that’s even something I can get to.

As you may know by now, I have been single since June. I’m gonna tell a bit of our story together and move into the topic of this actual post; does moving on even exist? Is there a way to move past this?

So we met at church camp in June 2015 (we broke up after camp June 2017). She thought I was really cute from the get-go. We ended up in family group together, which is basically a small group out of the large group where we spend time talking about the keynotes and did some activities, played games, etc. She was funny. My kind of funny. Dad jokes and puns out the wazoo. We actually ended up doing a “language BURIER” pun skit together, oddly enough. Camp ended, and there are these care cards that you write to the people that mean something to you. I usually put my phone number in most of the cards to stay connected with the friends I had made that week, and I put it in hers. This is where our story really starts.

We started texting, and it was pretty much instant. I feel hard, fast, and with no parachute. We added each other on Snapchat. I remember the first night we talked we sent each other pun snapchats back and forth for hours. Soon after, we Skyped (did I mention this was all long-distance? We lived about 4 hours apart.)

Soon after that, we got together. Things were great. And then they weren’t. In 2015 into 2016 we were on and off quite a bit (mostly because of my commitment issues, not going to get into that today). Then, in 2016, I said eff it, I like this girl a lot, I’ll get over my problems. We were together for a week shy of a year. Lots of ups and downs, like any relationship, especially when you add in the distance and the different places we were/are in our lives. I was about to graduate college, she was a junior in high school (don’t think it’s weird with age difference; if you don’t know I did early college so I have a bachelor’s at 20, she is 17).

When we broke up, I fell apart. Now, reflecting on those months, it was feeling sorry for myself and me wanting to be sad so I was sad. Broken. Torn. I didn’t know how to recover. I still don’t know how to recover. But, I’m trying everyday to get better. This article was supposed to go up yesterday but I delayed it because I wanted to be able to really think my way all the way through this and make it something I’m proud of and poured a lot of emotion into. This deserves that.

For a while we wanted to be friends. Then, one day, out of the blue she blocked me on everything; including my phone number. I guess this was sort of inevitable. It was pretty painful to maintain a relationship after the last two years of either being more than friends or wanting to; both of those things are never going to happen again. Around a month after she blocked me on everything we talked a bit, and then the same thing happened again.

Funny how life works. This morning I got an accidental/butt dial from her. I answered, thinking that if she were to call me it would be something important given the context above. My blood started pumping, I got nervous, emotions shot through me. I slid to answer. “Hello?” I ask.

A bit of noise as if rushing to end the call and then, “boop boop boop”. The call ended. I’m really glad I didn’t hear her voice. I think that would’ve crushed me. More than her accidentally calling me. Maybe she intended to call me but then changed her mind. I’ll never know the answer, so I’m not going to wonder.

These are the sort of thoughts that rush through my head like, every day. And something reminds me of her every day. It could be a Fall Out Boy song coming on, it could be a funny meme that we used to laugh about. Regardless of what it is, something ends up getting my mind to her. Sometimes it’s nothing. Sometimes it’s me being really proud of a photo or video I post knowing that she would be proud too, super excited to tell me her favorite parts and where to improve; she always gave me such good feedback.

I guess that sorta brings me back to now. It’s been. Woah. We broke up June 18. I’m writing this October 16/17. So, it’s been like exactly 4 months. And you know exactly where my head is at with everything. I reach out to friends about how I’m feeling and get “you’re overreacting” or “you’re being ridiculous; get over her”. Okay maybe I’m overreacting and being ridiculous but that A) doesn’t change how I’m feeling and B) doesn’t help me. At all. I’m feeling this way. Nuff said.

Do I wish things would’ve gone differently? Yes.
Do I regret anything? I don’t think so. It was an amazing two years of my life. I learned so much about myself, about love, about relationships. I grew a lot.
Where do I go from here? I have no damn clue.

I’ve been keeping myself as busy as possible to avoid thinking about it as much as I can. That’s probably not a very healthy way to “get over” her. That phrase. I hate it. What does it even mean to “get over” someone or “move on” from a past love? Is it even possible? And if so, is there some step-by-step guide?

Side-note real quick (welcome to my brain when I start thinking about her): She deleted all pictures we have together, at least on Instagram. I didn’t. Should I have? Should I delete memories on Social Media? They’re still memories. They were great times that I would love to look back on some day.

I can’t hate her so don’t give me that crap. She hurt me, sure. But really, I hurt myself in all of this. So I guess I need to “get over” myself? I don’t know. This article has been pretty difficult to type out. I’ve definitely struggled with this one, but that’s the stuff that supposedly makes us better writers. It has actually been quite therapeutic to write the rest of this post this morning. It’s gotten me in a better emotional place towards her, and towards my life looking forward. I’ve learned a lot, a whole hell of a lot. I’ve grown so much in the past few months, and I think I’m planning to just keep on that trajectory. See where I end up.

Another side-note: shooting weddings has me a bit bitter. I loved going to weddings when I was in a relationship but seeing the love the couples have for one another just makes me want that so much. Call me Ted Moseby fam.

So, do we ever truly move on? Maybe. Have I? Definitely not. Or maybe I have, what is moving on? I’m not obsessing over her and trying to talk to her daily, I’m not trying to do some crazy gesture to “win her back”. I’m pretty okay with where things are right now. Maybe that’s “moving on”. I don’t think I’ll ever not have some sort of love for her. I don’t think I’ll ever stop caring about her. Maybe that isn’t “moving on”. Maybe that’s just being a genuinely decent human. I don’t know.

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